Looking in the mirror

Hello guys,

Hope this week is treating you good so far.

Today I want to talk about something that has been a personal issue for me for most of my life (including now, at times). Personal appearances. So buckle up cause this may take a while.

For most of my life growing up I have been the "not-so-cool" and shy kid that only spoke when spoken to. Around people I don't know especially. At home (I am sure my parents will agree) I would be the loud and weird one always ready to crack a joke or surprise you with weird dance moves etc. As a kid I was incredibly skinny (I have never struggled with eating disorders), it was just how it was. And for quite some time I remember that I was very self conscious about it as I looked like a skeleton most of the time. Just to add I was a healthy child growing up, my parents took me to the doctor because of my weight and the doctor said I am just a very busy little girl, hence the skeleton look. So self consciousness started from a very young age.

That's me with the cool and funky hair ;)

Finally I got to high school and as most people think and tell themselves, I told myself, "This time it is gonna be different". But then as the cycle goes on, as soon as you are happy with one thing you notice another thing about yourself that you are not all too happy about. Now I was not all that skinny little rascal running around anymore as I have grown into a little lady. But then I got braces, acne, stretchmarks and the list just goes on. And these are things that any adolescent goes through. Also I was quite tall for a girl and I felt quite self conscious about it for a while as I stood out above my friends and of course at that age above the boys as well.

Standing tall amongst my cousins :)

When reaching my final year of High School I decided that I no longer wanted to be a slave that is chained to the idea of not liking myself. So I stepped out into the world and decided that I am gonna do what I want to do and not give a damn what other people think about me. But unfortunately this story doesn't end here.

Upon entering University I was ready to take on the world, looking and feeling great. But as I stated in a previous post, due to a series of unfortunate events all hope and confidence was lost. I gained a whole lotta weight cause I like a whole lotta eating. I lost all confidence in myself and wanted to hide myself from the rest of the world as I was afraid of what everyone will think of me and also what I think of myself.

I went from this...

To this in 0.2 seconds...

After letting go of an unhealthy relationship and making some life changing alterations I decided that this cycle has repeated itself one time too many and that this time it had to change for good. So as all weight loss stories go, I dusted off my running shoes and hit the road. And on these roads that I ran (not only the physical road running but also referring to the roads that is leading my life) I found confidence, myself, self love, what I want to be and who I want to be as a person. I decided that I wanted to be myself, my whole, raw and undefined self (wise words that I got from a friend - Thanks Elmari). I decided that I was done wearing and doing what makes other people happy and what they approve of.

With this background, you will hopefully understand the rest of what I am about to tell you.

Within my circle of friends I am known for the weird and bold lifestyle choices I make. Some people may think of me as weird and other may think of me as bold. Others may even go and down right call me crazy (none of these are an insult to me anymore). My friends call me this out of love for the person that I am, unafraid to be who I am.

During the past few years I made a promise to myself to be the absolute rawest version that I can possibly be. That means that I have had a wide variety of hair colors, hair styles, clothing styles etc. Never afraid of how it will turn out but always excited of the new journey that is ahead.

Thanks to all of this (pictures added below) I have learnt all of the following...

Comfort zones:

Comfort zones are made for people afraid of change. Comfort zones are boring and need to be stretched to become bigger. In my own personal opinion comfort zones is often what keeps a person back from being their ultimate self. I get it, for so long I was stuck in the comfort zone because it is, well, comfortable. Everything is known, everything is comfy. Why risk all that you have ever known for the unknown? Because comfort zones will create this 'safe space' that will in the end be the cause why you stagnate. Comfort zones also sometimes become crowded and damn, you just need some space and air. By pushing your own comfort levels makes your comfort zone bigger and bigger (cue song: make the circle bigger). This in turn will help you as a person to be more comfortable in unknown situations. And me? Well I love the thrill of the unknown.

But what will other people think?!

Yeah sure, what will other people think? But an even more important question is, what do you think of yourself? Are you comfortable? Do you like what you see? Do you like blue hair and yellow mascara? If you think yes, then you are (according to me) obliged to do so. I have stopped caring what everyone thinks of me a long time ago and it left me with more time on my hands as I now do not have to sit and ponder over what they think. It also left me with a bigger smile and more and more love for myself. You don't like what I wear or how I do my hair? Well then I am sorry for you but I do like it. And I like it a lot. As Cardi B says, "I said I like it like that".

Confidence:

By doing things that I like and that is different to the social norm has given me such a confidence boost it ain't even funny (well sometimes it is). But seriously, by stepping out into a crowd of blondes and brunettes, red heads I see you too, with Smurf blue hair was scary at first. Everyone is staring and pointing, then that first person walks up to you and says "Damn, girl you look good. Wish I could be so brave". Then all fears blow over and you embrace the beautiful blue haired creature that you are and dance the night away. Being different from anyone else sometimes forced me to fake some confidence but along the road the confidence became real and it got stuck on me like cat hair on a jersey (everyday struggle for me- the cat hair).

What I am trying to say with this utterly long post is that it is a-oukay to be different. Embrace it and be your whole, raw and undefined self as it will not only make you happy but you will shower yourself with self love more and more everyday. And tell this to yourself everyday. I wish I could tell this to the little skinny skeleton that I used to be. If I started to love myself back then, just imagine how far I might have come today. So why not embrace the changes, stretch the comfort zones, forget what the other people think and build up the confidence. You are beautiful. You deserve to be no one else other than yourself. You are worth it so embrace the flaws and shower them with love.

Also a big thank you and shout out to my parents, sister and oh-so-lovely-boyfriend for always having my back and always supporting me as I am still busy with a long and endless road of learning to love myself and learning to be myself in every sense possible. You guys have been the rocks when I needed support and my pillows when I needed a place to lay my head. Thank you for teaching me every step of the way how to love myself.

Thanks for reading.

Now go and shower yourself in love.

Lots of love,

Lelani :)